Krampus Returns!
Krampusnacht II
The Sins of the Naughty Are Visited upon Them
About Krampus Returns!
You thought it was over. You put away the garlands. You lit the candle on Soup Day. You made amends. But Krampus has a long memory, and on Krampus Returns!—his long-awaited sequel—he’s back with a burlap sack and a grudge. This is the I Know What You Did Last Christmas of the season: a prank-filled, over-the-top day of seasonal reckoning. Expect Krampusgrams, anonymous notes left for friends and coworkers that vaguely suggest their soul is in peril. Expect random knocking sounds (followed by giggles and baskets of coal). The trick is to play it spooky but silly. And when you’ve finished your rounds of chaos, settle in for the true punishment: a bad sequel movie marathon. Horror, sci-fi, action, rom-com—any genre works as long as what you’re watching is the weaker follow-up. Why? Because Krampus’s final revenge isn’t fire or chains. It’s Grease 2.
Ways to observe
(A) Low effort
Send an anonymous text or note to a friend that says: Krampus knows. Sign it with a hoofprint emoji.
(B) Recommended
Watch a bad movie sequel marathon with friends or family. In between movies, take turns defending the artistry of the director’s vision. Everyone suffers, everyone has fun.
(C) High effort
Hold mock trials for your family’s worst holiday behaviors. Send them to ‘Krampus Court.’ Sentence them to Exorcist II.
Inspiration
Call it a character flaw, but I love a bad sequel, and I’m hardly alone. Grease 2, Exorcist II, Speed 2, The Rage: Carrie 2. Every misguided follow-up to a perfectly good original fills me with joy. Michelle Pfeiffer belting out “Cool Rider” while straddling a ladder? Perfection. The priest in Exorcist II tearing open Regan’s demonic doppelgänger and pulling out a beating heart? Cinema. Honestly, the only way it could be improved is if Pfeiffer sang “Cool Rider” while it happened.
Which brings us to Krampus Returns! In traditional folklore, Krampus, the terrifying, horned counterpart to St. Nicholas, makes his rounds on December 5th. But like any decent horror villain, he doesn’t stay buried. Krampus Returns! is what happens when you thought you got away with your holiday misdeeds. And now Krampus is standing over your bed while you sleep, measuring you for a specially made burlap sack while his infernal reindeer destroy your garden. Fun!
Adornments
Watch
Gremlins 2 (1990)
In this anarchic sequel, the cuddly-gremlins-gone-wild invade a New York skyscraper and all bets are off. Director Joe Dante turns the follow-up into a subversive farce, gleefully poking fun at sequel logic.
Exorcist II: The Heretic (1977)
Often cited as one of the worst sequels ever made, this bizarre follow-up to The Exorcist veers into surreal territory. The plot finds young Regan MacNeil in a telepathic research study and doubles down on metaphysical themes instead of scares. The result? Incomprehensible scenes of synchronized hypnosis and demonic locust swarms.
Grease 2 (1982)
This famously ill-conceived sequel to the hit musical Grease swaps out almost the entire original cast and flips the plot (now the girl is the cool biker, the boy is the geek). The result earned scathing reviews.
Jaws: The Revenge (1987)
In this notorious fourth Jaws film, the shark apparently has a personal vendetta. Yes, a great white follows the Brody family from New England to the Bahamas to seek revenge. The premise is so outlandish it borders on parody: psychic connections between shark and hero, tropical Christmas settings, and Michael Caine cheerfully collecting a paycheck.
Listen
Krampus Is Coming to Town by Rusty Cage
This darkly comic parody turns the jovial “Santa Claus Is Coming to Town” on its head.
Read
The Stupidest Angel: A Heartwarming Tale of Christmas Terror by Christopher Moore
If horror-comedy is more your speed, Moore’s novel delivers in spades. This cult-favorite book set in coastal California brings Christmas cheer and zombies to the party.
Hark! The Herald Angels Scream by Edited by Christopher Golden
This anthology collects 18 Christmas horror stories by various contemporary authors, proving that the season of joy has a deliciously dark side.