Puritans’ Treason
Feast of St. Paul the Hermit
Mock the Puritans for the Crimes Against Christmas
About Puritans’ Treason
The first day of the “history of Christmas” Mini-Arc, Puritans’ Treason invites us to raise a glass of eggnog in angry merriment as we denounce history’s Christmas cancelers. Most notorious among them were the English Puritans, who in 1647 declared Christmas a “popish festival with no biblical justification” and proceeded to ban it. That’s right: no decorations, no pudding, no singing. Shops stayed open, churches stayed shut, and anyone caught wassailing could be fined or worse. That’s treason. Today, we hold the annual “Trial of the Christmas Destroyers.” Defendants include Puritans, Calvinists, select civic-minded Victorians, mid-century secularists, anti-Santa lobbyists, and anyone who told you not to put up your tree before Thanksgiving. We sculpt them in gingerbread, try them in absentia, and—should the jury find them guilty—sentence them to a ritual dunking in warm milk followed by swift consumption. Guess what? The jury always finds them guilty. Unanimously. The tone is sardonic, the mood is vengeful, and the cocoa is extra sweet. History gives us the right to be petty.
Ways to observe
(A) Low effort
Read aloud a list of historical Christmas cancelers and mutter “shame” after each one. Pair with a smug cookie and a small glass of milk.
(B) Recommended
Bake (or buy) a set of gingerbread Puritans. Hold a mock trial. Read aloud their charges (‘banning carols,’ ‘undermining joy,’ ‘throwing snowballs at merrymakers’) and sentence them to full-body milk dunks before consumption.
(C) High effort
Host a full Christmas Inquisition. Assign roles (judge, prosecutor, milk sommelier), stage elaborate arguments in defense of caroling, and hold an edible tribunal. Bonus points for powdered wigs, courtroom sketches, and a printed charter declaring your house a ‘Wassail Sanctuary.’
Inspiration
The banning of Christmas in England under the Puritan-led Parliament of the 1640s was no small thing. Churches were closed and street celebrations were met with armed resistance. Even in early America, the Puritan colonists of Massachusetts followed suit, outlawing the holiday and fining anyone caught celebrating. Their argument? Christmas was pagan in origin,
Catholic in ritual, and dangerously fun. It wasn’t until the 19th century that public opinion shifted, thanks to figures like Washington Irving and Charles Dickens, who helped repopularize Christmas as a day of family and festivity. But the Puritans were just one chapter in a long book of people who have tried to erase or sanitize the holiday. From Roman emperors to temperance crusaders, the war on Christmas is old, and often deeply weird. Today’s mockery reminds us that Christmas has always been contested terrain. Here's my best effort to tie in St. Paul the Hermit (whose feast day is today). He was the first Christmas minimalist, a man who spent ninety years in the desert, surviving on dried dates and the occasional raven-delivered loaf. Today, he stands as the spiritual opposite of the Puritans, someone who removed himself from the world without demanding that others join him. Saintly restraint without the legislation. The world needs more hermits.
Adornments
Watch
Monty Python’s Life of Brian (1979)
A blisteringly witty satire set in biblical times that doubles as an allegory for religious extremism. Born on the original Christmas, the hapless Brian is mistaken for a messiah and chased by fanatics.
Read
The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe by C.S. Lewis
In the magical land of Narnia, the evil White Witch has cast a spell making it “always winter and never Christmas”—a despairing scenario instantly understood as the ultimate curse.
Eat
Idolatry-in-a-Crust Mince Pies
Bake (or buy) a batch of traditional mince pies and relish the fact that you’re enjoying what Oliver Cromwell’s council once banned as a “forbidden pagan pleasure”. In 17th-century England and New England, mincemeat pies—filled with spiced fruit and meat—carried such strong Christmas associations that the Puritans derided them as “idolatrie in a crust”.
Godless Plum Pudding
Dress up your table with a steamed Christmas plum pudding, the archetypal holiday dessert so indulgent that the Puritans branded it “unfit for God-fearing people”. In 1660s Britain, this dense boiled pudding of suet, fruits, sugar, and spices was literally outlawed.